First off,I need to tell you about the month leading up to my so called "Easter weekend".
I have been sleeping on the streets since march 10,2009. Why?!
Because people in London shit suckers who don't want to be friends with anyone who might need help.
Anyway..
The only people to offer me help,funny enough,did not live in London. The only roof I could get over my head was WAY outside London in a place called Bournemouth and,even farther, Torquay. English Riviera,my ass.
When I was in Bournemouth,I stayed with a really great family who took me in,fed me and took care of me.
Unfortunately,for me, there was 7 kids,2 adults,a rottweiler,2 cats,a guinea pig and me... all in a 4 bedroom house. Needless to say, I was to the snapping point after a while.
So,when a friend called me up and offered me a 4 day break in his house,in Torquay,I took it.
Now,in Torquay,on this particular weekend,my friends sister showed up with her 2 kids and my friends 2 kids. I was in hell. A smaller hell,but a lake of fire,just the same.
One thing that did not help was a little red headed fuck who my friends sisters oldest child.
His problem is,he's got mom whipped. When he wants something,which just happens to be the same time somebody else has it,he starts to whine and she ALWAYS gives in.
Let's not mention the fact that he minces whenever he walks or runs.
(for those who do not understand "minces", let me explain it like this... he will be able to sort a rather lovely window dressing,soon enough)
Finally,after the weekend was over,I got a train back to London.
About 3+ hours on the train. I love riding the train. Or so I thought...
This train was packed. I did have a reserved seat,but,upon placing my ass in the seat,I immediately looked to my right and there sat a red-headed kid,about the age of 12. We were surrounded by the rest of his inner-gene pool diving family. They were everywhere.
Suddenly,this red-headed child,who looked like the banjo kid from Deliverance,from out of no where,smiled at me. There is never an exorcist around when you need one.
As he showed me his 2 teeth,the rest had gone the way of chocolate and sugar water,I said,out loud, "oh hell no" and got up to find some place else to be.
I ended up standing in the area between train cars,where the toilets are,for about an hour,waiting for the cousin-luvin-family-Robinson to go. They didn't.
As I stood there with all these other Easter weekenders rudely not realizing who I was and still standing in my space,I decided to make a leap to the toilet and lock myself in for a bit,for peace and quiet.
YES! I am now in my portable "man-space!" (all mens thrones are the same outside the house,so they are shared and respected). It was a nice man-space. Shiny silver,sheet metal covered walls(men don't need flowery wallpaper!( except for red-headed mincey ones) a small sink and pretty blue toilet seat that was cool to the touch of the hind quarters.
As I sat there,with pants around ankles and ipod in,I was reading an ebook on my palm-pilot(bless you mark!),when I noticed the train was actually traveling at a speed that was above normal. Meaning; it was actually on time and moving like it supposed too! Then,suddenly,as we were cruising along at a nice comfy speed,the train had to make a left turn. Not a comfortable,eased-in left hand turn,but a SHARP,L-shaped turn to the left!
At that point,I realized the pretty blue,toilet seat I was sitting on was only held on by one bolt and ONE thread of said bolt. HOW, do you ask, did I figure out this out, pray tell?! By the way my face slammed into the shiny silver metallic wall when the bolt broke.
Now,here I am,with my ipod on, my palm-pilot in one hand, trying to regain composure with the other, as I am bounced around this nice little portable man-space with jeans still around my ankles, face slammed into the wall and the pretty blue toilet seat still attached to my ass, while being ricocheted around like a fucking pinball!
Once we finally achieved a straight run on the track, I managed to get up, get this pretty blue toilet seat unstuck from my butt cheeks, wipe, wash and get recovered as best as I could.
Looking from the outside, people watching the door and hearing all this ruckus and language
that would make 4 marines take to confession, the door came flying open and there I was.
Hair looking like a raped Samoan on acid, ipod wrapped around neck and pretty blue toilet seat in hand. I can only imagine what a person outside would have thought when the train passed by and suddenly, a pretty blue toilet seat came flying out of the train like a fucking Frisbee. Which it did.
Fortunately, my seat was free and banjo boy, with the deliverance family, was gone.
I got my seat for the rest of the journey. I deserved it.
Easter? My ass.
