Then I heard something click beside my head. Something like a rock landing beside me and bouncing into grass.
When I finally got around to opening my eyes,the first thing I heard was the internal screaming of a voice in my head as the bright ass sun light burned a searing hole through my retinas.
Obviously,I had been drunk sometime in the recent past. Or should I say "sober" for one of the few times in god knows how long.
"HEY!"...... "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BACK YARD?!". I didn't answer. This time the rock,or whatever they were,was a little too close for comfort. With the hangover,it was more like Thor's hammer being repeatedly thrown at me. And I think it made contact more than once.
Once my vision had returned,what a fucking painful experience THAT was, I looked around and couldn't see anyone. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BACK YARD?!". Where the fuck was this voice coming from? I knew I was hallucinating,but the voice in my head was never female.
"ARE YOU GOING TO ANSWER ME?!" 'WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?',I said.
"I OWN THE SIDEWALK YOU ARE LAYING ON." Sidewalk? "WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?!" Now, I am splitting my own head apart with the yelling to this phantom voice.
"UP HERE!" Oh god,now I have to look up at the sun again. I am in hell and I am NOT going to die. As I force my head to wonder upwards along the side of this house,I see a cute female with dirty blonde hair looking at me. As I looked around and got my bearings,I finally realized.....I had no fucking idea where I was or how I got there!
As I looked at her,I told her I had no idea how got in her back yard. Then she asked me my name. I told her I didn't know that either. And I wasn't lying at this point.
Then she disappeared from the window. I thought I had really been hallucinating now.
Suddenly,she appeared at her back door,just smiling and looking at the new toy she just found in her back yard. She asked me if I was ok or if I needed any help. I asked her if she had a beer.
Right then,I heard the sound of a beer being opened(a truly seasoned drinker can tell that sound a mile away!) and I looked down and I saw a beer magically appear before me!
I liked her backyard! Then I realized it was my best friend(at the time) Tracy. I was wondering how the fuck he got to where ever in the hell it was we were.
I looked back at this female who had gone inside and got a beer from her fridge and she was just standing there looking at me. Then I saw .... them! She had some of the biggest and finest boobs god had ever graced a woman with! She had dirty blonde hair with beautiful lips,a perfect smile,THE boobs, covered by this olive green tank-top and a pair of cut off jean shorts with very nice legs and the cutest toes you could imagine(I hate ugly feet on any woman).
Tracy stood there looking at me,looking at her,and then he just blurted out:"SPEAK STUPID!" Without missing a beat,I asked her what her name was. She said her name was Dana.
I said,very quietly and with a slight smile....Dana... She was just too lovely.
Then I asked Tracy,"where the fuck are we? How the fuck did we get here and WHY the fuck are we here?!"
As he explained it, we were on one of our MANY days on end drinking benders and he decided he wanted to find a fem named Melissa. But,we couldn't find her house. We just had an idea. Actually,I should say HE.... I remembered fuck all.
BUT,as luck would have it, Dana,this ravishing creature,was Melissa's best friend and lived 2 doors down from her. Dana said she had just come home from school and found me in her back yard. I guess I crawled out of the car(we never established who drove there) and just went over to her yard and passed out. As you do ;-)
Tracy was pointed to the right house and off he went. He found Melissa. When they came back,about 15 minutes later,I was sitting on Dana's back steps in the shade, between Dana's legs and she had a cold towel on my head and was trying to help me through this hangover. Which only required more beer. Dana had the smoothest legs :)
Melissa walked up and gave me a kiss. I had introduced Melissa and Tracy a while back. I used to date Melissa's sister,Chelley. That's another story.
We went into Dana"s house,where she had AC...(God bless the almighty AC!!!) and I just
laid on her shag carpet,which was nice and cool,while Tracy and Melissa did some catching up
and dana kept rubbing this cold towel on my back and neck. She was lovely.
I guess I went back to sleep because I remember there being a bit of a ruckus when Tracy walked over when he was ready to go and tried to kick me in the head to wake up and,apparently,Dana didn't like his choice of methods,so,she punched him in the nuts.
I really liked Dana :D.
I managed to get up,after about an hour,and said my good-byes to Melissa and Dana.
And those beautiful tits and those CUTE little toes.
Somewhere along the way,Melissa stopped by my apartment to see tracy and dropped off Dana's Number for me. I gave her a ring and went back to see her. We became really good friends for quite some time. We never did the deed,BUT,I did get to see them boobies!
A lot! But,we just hung out and were like best friends. She would give me back rubs and I would give her foot massages. Of which I am damn good ;-)
We became drinking buddies and great cocaine buddies. We always hung out and if we ran into each other somewhere,we always ended up together,just sitting and talking.
Yes,in our circles,I even defended her honor on more than one occasion,but,alas,I never got the Hero Pussy. And that was ok.
I had a motorcycle at the time and I was known to just take off for ride into the great unknown. Unknown as to where I was going,unknown to how long I would be gone and apparently,unknown to the people who knew me as to when I left and when I would return. I was good for that :)
On this one occasion,I said I was going on a munchy run and I returned about 4 months later. BUT,I returned with munchies!
Tracy had got a job for a store called Meijers. He worked 3rd shift grocery stock. He stocked the cereal aisle. He got me a job there,too. I worked 2nd shift produce section.
It worked out ok for us. We shared an apartment and a hot fem named Jamey Conrad.
She had an ass you could bounce a quarter off of and get change back!
I used to go in at 4-pm and work until 12:30-am. I went to lunch at 8-pm.
Jamey worked until 6-pm and would go to my place and hangout until I got off work. But,while she was there,her and Tracy would have there little "fun",then I would show up for lunch and pick up Tracy. Then,he would drive me back to work and keep my car so he could get to work at 11-pm. Of course,he always had a joint rolled for me when I picked him up. Then,he would show up to work at 11-pm,I got off at 12:30-am, and would go home and would "un-wind" with jamey. Tracy would come home at 7-am and he would jump jamey before she went to school and we would start the day all over again! I have no idea how that girl stayed awake long enough to graduate.
I remember being impatient at work one night and just dragged her into the produce cooler and we..... counted plums together right next to the grapes :D
While I was working one night,I saw Dana walk by. We had no idea the other worked there and she had just been transfered to 2nd shift! I got my play buddy back! We proceeded to have a blast! With her,Tracy and myself,we brought that store to life!! People loved us because we broke all the rules,yet did a great job at making sure the store ran right.
One night,all three of us were in the employee break room just talking and discussing...... grapes and plums :D.
This time,Dana had a new girl who started that night and was working the children's section with her. This new girls name was Robin. She had blonde hair(No,I do NOT have a thing for blondes!),big red lips and beautiful green eyes. She weighed 118lbs(I'll tell you why I know this exact number later) and had a very decent little body on her. Of course, I did consider her a conquest. I did make my rounds in those days,I must say. But she was quiet. There was something very different about this one,yet very intriguing.
All 4 of us,Tracy,Dana,Robin and myself were in the store cafeteria eating lunch one day and Robin asked how Dana and I had met. Dana and I looked at each other and she turned to Robin and said "I found him in my back yard and I decided to keep him". I said that was the truth.
And,it actually was.
At this time in my life,I had no problems asking women out. Hell,it was easier asking them for sex! But,I wanted to go out with Robin. So,I hatched a plan to ask her out in a very unique way. She was working in the children's clothing section,which was just across from the grocery section. I could see everything she did. No matter what she did,no matter how hard the work or customers got,she always seemed to have this little smile. She was very sheepish.
She always had this little trait, which I loved to watch for some reason; when her bangs would fall down onto her forehead,she would always blow them out of the way. She rarely moved them with her hands,she would tuck her top lip in,stick out her bottom lip slightly and blow.
She made it look so cute.
On this particular night,I rang her up on the store phone and stood there and watched her as she picked up the phone. I asked for Dana,knowing full well Dana wasn't working.
She said Dana wasn't working and asked if she could take a message. I said to her "could you tell Dana I want to talk to her about asking out a friend of hers,but I don't know her name. I know she has blonde hair,the truest ruby red lips,ice green eyes and she is wearing jeans and a green t-shirt under her work smock and white reeboks. Could please give all that to Dana and ask her to contact me because I think this woman is amazingly beautiful and I am scared to death of being turned down by her." She said no problem and we hung up.
I stood and watched and I saw the exact moment she realized I had told her what she was wearing and figured out it was her I was meaning. Yeah, she was blonde :)
